Endlessly Divisible Canada

Toronto Star
Feb 1, 2008

This month it’s been twenty years since I came to Canada. People who’ve been here for less than this time are busy trying to change the face of this wonderful country that I call home.  Not to be left behind, I take this opportunity to present a 20/20 vision for Canada, and here’s what’s happening.

  1. There will be a separate school at every corner. Each religious and ethnic community will have their own school so there will be Sikh, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic and their denominations plus Muslims and their 72 sects to name a few.  Since it’s unhealthy for boys and girls to study together there will be separate schools for those who support gender segregation. Schools will further be divided along the lines of race and colour. White, Black and Brown schools will take the lead, other colors can follow.
  2. Within the school system there will be division of language so each ethnic community can have their own language. For those kids who don’t know the language of their ancestors, the Canadian Government will pay for them to take lessons. Never mind learning English as the language of the host community.
  3. Schools and workplaces will be closed on cultural and religious holidays of each community. This will leave about 100 working days but that’s okay with Canada because we’re so inclusive.
  4. There will be no exams on ‘holy days’ of any community. If falling on one of the 100 working days, they will reschedule for another day.
  5. School books will be printed in every language that is spoken here because Canada prides itself on multiculturalism. References to pigs will not be present in books used by Muslim students. The three little pigs story will be changed to three little wigs.
  6. While separation of church and state is really not that important, we must separate vegetarian and non-vegetarian. Restaurants will not be allowed to serve meat and potatoes at the same time because it discriminates. Some special attempts could be made to mix foods, but a permit will be needed. In the same essence, a halal restaurant with a cash bar will not be popular.
  7. Ethnic communities will be encouraged to have their own residential enclaves which could be gated. What a remarkable example Canada will present to the whole world as they show off their little ghettos.
  8. There will be separate laws for all religious groups. The Canadian Bar Association will have to change their name because “Bar” is offensive to some.
  9. Christmas will be cancelled since it’s the festival of the religious majority but offensive to the ethnic minority. However every ethnic minority can savour and celebrate their cultural and religious festivals with gusto.
  10. Government grants will be given to everyone who feels they’ve been discriminated against and can prove there is rampant racism in Canada. There are no grants for anyone who wants to prove that Canada is the best country in the world (how silly can that be?)
  11. New comers to Canada will only have to prove that they’ve swallowed their passport (vinaigrette provided free by the airline) and they will be welcomed with open arms, accommodated, given health benefits and financial aid from the Government.
  12. Loyalty to Canada will not be a pre-requisite to living here. All one has to do is learn to say Eh! A Canadian passport will be given on a platter to take away and enjoy while raking in petro-dollars in oil rich countries, coming back to use the health benefits confident in the knowing that if an emergency arises Canada will bring you back at any cost.